The general election is over, meaning we can now concentrate on other things, like Britney Spears’ latest personal crisis or Lindsay Lohan’s sexual exploits. Or we could just keep talking politics. Your Mountain Times staff chose the latter and, in doing so, began to wander down What-If Lane (home to President Al Gore and the 2007 Super Bowl winning Chicago Bears). When January rolls around, there will be a new president in office, but what will be his first orders of action? We won’t wager a guess at this stage, but your Mountain Times staff has thought long and hard – what would WE do if elected president?

Jeff Eason: End the Cuban Embargo Now

One of the first things I would do as President would make a huge difference in the lives of people in the Western Hemisphere, and it wouldn’t cost a nickel. I would immediately urge Congress to end the economic embargo that punishes the citizens of Cuba and, to a lesser degree, Americans.

As free Americans, we reserve the right to take a Carnival cruise to the beaches of Cuba if we want to.

This “commercial, economic and financial” embargo was first imposed on the new Fidel Castro-led island nation in 1962. It was done so by President Kennedy with a fair share of hypocrisy as he had his aide, Pierre Salinger, secure 1,200 Petit H. Upmann Cuban cigars, Kennedy’s personal favorite, prior to the embargo’s enactment.

That hypocrisy continues as we allow far more oppressive regimes than Castro’s to flourish under our cooperation, and sometimes we even let them host the Olympics. Let’s face it, Fidel Castro probably doesn’t have much time left on this planet (his brother, Raul, is now the official head of state), and if you let him sail into the sunset with his dignity intact he most likely would embrace the new American administration with open arms.

One of the many disgraces about Hurricane Katrina’s devastating effects on New Orleans and the Gulf Coast is that the Cuban government offered to fly Cuban doctors and aide workers to the stricken region, and the Bush Administration refused. The reverse of that scenario played out this past year when hurricanes Gustav, Ike and Paloma made a beeline for Cuba, and American aide organizations were hamstrung by their own government to offer relief to Cubans.

The lingering economic effects of those powerful hurricanes are just now being felt by Cuba. Preliminary data on the damage caused by Gustav and Ike are estimated to surpass $5 billion, with about 137,580 acres worth of crops—mostly sugarcane and bananas—destroyed. Over 5,000 tobacco sheds were damaged or destroyed, hurting the economies of some of the poorest regions on the island.

If our foreign policy for countries such as China is to engage them as much as possible in order to have some beneficial influence on their governments, we should at least try to extend the same policy to a small island nation that lies less than 100 miles from our own shores.

Scott Nicholson: Three Wishes

“Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.” – William Shakespeare

A kingdom is best enjoyed temporarily, according to America’s Unsung Poet Laureate.

“It’s good to be king, if just for a while.” – Tom Petty

The problem with power is not that it corrupts, but that power is necessary. Granting a mere three wishes is sort of like shaking hands with your date at the end of the night—better than nothing but far less satisfying than a Snickers bar.

So for my presidential orders, I would first pledge not to give a single dime of federal bail-outs to people who do nothing but move money around, snipping off big chunks of hard-earned dollars as it moves between the people who purchase a product or service and the people who actually make and create it. We’ve all seen stories of the stock market collapse, helpfully accompanied by pictures of middle-aged, overweight white dudes with their ties askew and jowls flapping open in exasperation. Well, sorry, no sympathy here. GET A JOB!

Incidentally, that goes double for beleaguered U.S. automakers who have not made a good vehicle since at least 1969 when the Chevy Camaro danced off the assembly line, chased by the Ford Mustang. All they have given us since is the winless Detroit Lions and enough Armadas, Behemoths and Galactaguzzlers to fill the cracks in the polar ice.

The second order would create a bill that grants every legal American citizen the same benefits, health care and job security enjoyed by members of Congress. Or vice versa.

The third would be like that of the genie who gets his freedom: I would order World Peace, Love and Harmony, and the abolishment of all government from the Earth, and to let all be ruled by Higher Law.

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Frank Ruggiero: War Room Rhetoric

I’m not entirely certain what my first presidential order would be, though it would likely involve orchestrating a situation in which I could use one of my favorite lines in cinema. I’m speaking of Stanley Kubrick’s Dr.

Despite his not-so-latent Nazi tendencies, Dr. Strangelove exhibits surprisingly decent war room etiquette.

Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, and while I hope my scenario would be nowhere near as grave as the film’s, darkly comic would be nice. The scene to which I refer involves Peter Sellers as hapless President Merkin Muffley. As the world teeters on the brink of nuclear war, his top advisors break into argument. In keeping with his lacking leadership skills, Muffley responds, “You can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!”

My presidency would, essentially, be based on a joke. But there’s nothing so odd about that. Many presidents have run on similar platforms.

Melanie Davis: The ‘Joy to the World’ Platform

Three Dog Night was on to something. “I’d throw away the cars and the bars and the wars.”

Meet Melanie’s running mate, Jeremiah.

First order of business – a mass railway system. A single ticket would be cheaper than the two tanks of gas it takes to get, well, anywhere more than four hours’ drive time. Think of money that would be saved by using public transportation locally, trains to travel, and not paying a loan or car insurance. “Yes” to throwing away the cars.

I am not so sure about throwing away the bars. I really enjoy playing pool and they are nice (relatively) gathering places after work. There is too much revenue there to close them down. I can only imagine the fight that would bring on; it would likely be enough to keep me from being elected. Keep the bars, making my second order of business to get a White House pet, a bullfrog named Jeremiah.

Throwing away wars is definitely something I could live with. The billions it costs could be used to provide the best medical care for returning veterans, vocational training, even housing assistance. The remaining money would fund several food banks, shelters and medical clinics for the uninsured. Ah, the Utopian society where no one is hungry and no one is without care.

My campaign platform would simply be “Joy to the World.” I could drive around playing the song on a loud speaker on the campaign trail. Might not get much of a following other than a few people wearing beads and surrounded by a cloud of smoke...