Celebrities’ Signature Smells
Stinky magazine ads creating toxic
atmosphere in my mailbox

Over the past few decades it has become politically incorrect to point out the differences between men and women. Phrases like “woman driver” and “real men don’t eat quiche” have been replaced by more (supposedly) serious examinations of gender differences such as the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

I say if you really want to learn about the differences between men and women, check out some of the magazines devoted to one or the other. Yesterday I was in the checkout line of a local grocery store that shall remain nameless and I noticed that the latest edition of Elle had a cover story about the most powerful women in Hollywood. Being something of a film buff and standing at least three shopping carts deep in line, I picked up said copy of Elle and began looking for the table of contents so I could peruse the article. I finally found the table of contents on page 58! The first 57 pages of the magazine were nothing but ads, many of them featuring the stinky strip.

New York’s historic Fire Island now has it’s own signature perfume. Shouldn’t every town?

In case you are unfamiliar with the stinky strip, it is a common feature in women’s magazines, especially those devoted to fashion. This particular edition of Elle had at least seven stinky strip ads devoted to women’s perfumes.

Apparently, the first thing that a famous actress or singer does after they become famous is come up with her own signature smell. Then she dispatches a team of creative types to come up with a catchy yet mysterious or dangerous sounding name for her signature stink. The end result is something like Dame Judi Dench’s Duplicity or Dakota Fanning’s Mischief.

Those two I just made up. Real celebrity perfumes include Mariah Carey’s M Eau de Parfum, Collen McLoughlin’s Coleen X, Paris Hilton’s Paris Hilton for Men, Cher’s Uninhibited, Sarah Jessica Parker’s Lovely, Victoria Beckham’s Intimately and the hilariously named Britney Spears’ In Control.

Then, once a celebrity has her own signature smell, she markets it in women’s magazine via the stinky strip. Attached to the full-page ad for the perfume is a little fold. Unfold it and through the marvels of science, the signature smell comes out. For the best effect, you rub the stinky strip on the inside of your wrist. This is supposed to approximate the smell of the actual perfume.

I used to never give much thought to magazines with stinky strips until I got married. Now that I am married I know that I have to be careful opening the mailbox because there might be a women’s magazine in there with a multiplicity (good name for a perfume) of stinky strips in there. Sometimes if a magazine with stinky strips has been sitting in the mailbox in the sun for a few hours, it can really get to cooking. Open up the door and pow! The smell hits you like all the perfume counters at Belk were compacted by a mighty gravitational force and stuffed into your mailbox.

Another thing I have learned from women’s magazines is that women aren’t the only ones putting out signature smells. Prince has a perfume called 3121, Antonio Banderas has Spirit, and Carlos Santana has one called, simply, Carlos. You’d think that the last thing somebody would want to smell like is a professional athlete. But that’s not stopping David Beckham, Derek Jeter and Michael Jordan from releasing their own perfumes. Apparently they are savvy enough to market them in women’s magazines rather than Sports Illustrated.

You don’t even have to be a real person to have your own signature smell. Perfumes based on fictional characters include Barbie’s Barbie Blue, Austin Power’s Mojo, Desperate Housewives’ Forbidden Fruit and Miss Piggy’s Moi. What’s next? Gollum’s Precious?

Like I mentioned before, very few of these perfumes—even if they are designed for men—are advertised in men’s magazines. That’s because most of the colognes, aftershaves and other manly perfumes are bought by women and given to men. Left to our own devices, men would be content to go around smelling like ham sandwiches and kerosene.

A 1999 psychological study in Chapel Hill found that men between the ages of 18 and 64 were sexually aroused by the smells of pumpkin pie, lavender, Oriental spices and cinnamon buns. The preferred odors for women, on the other hand, were licorice candy and freshly cut cucumber.

The same study found that most men found the smell of chocolate and cranberries to be a turn-off while the women were negatively aroused by the smell of cherries and charcoal barbecue smoke.

It makes you wonder why these celebrities are going to all that trouble coming up with their own signature stinks when it is the smell of pumpkin pie that really turns us guys on.