Halloween is Friday, and that got your Mountain Times staff to thinking – national-brand candy or cheap dollar-store knockoffs? Having decided on a balanced mixture of both, and having already consumed it, we’re now left to consider more pressing matters, like, “If you had to be a monster, what kind would you be?” Here’s what we learned about our fellow staff members (and their psychological baggage).

Frank Ruggiero: Of Werewolves & Vampires

A couple weeks ago, some coworkers and I were debating the benefits of vampirism versus those of, uh,

Jack Nicholson, pictured at the 1992 Academy Awards after being snubbed for best supporting actor.

werewolfism. A friend whose name rhymes with Shemily insists that being a werewolf would be cooler, though I must protest. Transforming into a bloodthirsty man-wolf every full moon to thoughtlessly prey upon humankind without remorse or recollection would grow tiresome and increasingly inconvenient. One would likely pay more attention to the moon cycles included in most calendars, but how would a werewolf denote his or her full-moon plans on said calendar? There’s always the opportunity for innuendo-laden dialogue, like, “I’m going to be busy tonight.” “Aww, that bites.” “More than you know.” Benefits would include all the strengths that wolves inherit – speed, agility, that whole howling thing and, of course, self-bathing, but if you don’t remember it in the morning, you might as well have spent the night bobbing in a sea of lager at your neighborhood bar.Vampires, while beastly in their own right, at least exhibit some semblance of self control. They’re resigned to their condition but have the perfect reason to lead an active nightlife. And though they cannot be exposed to daylight, one could plausibly work in an office during wintertime and never see the sun. That covers income, and transportation costs could be offset by turning into a bat. As for the whole blood-sucking thing, your more scrupulous vampire could forego preying on the living and instead sneak into a hospital and/or blood bank to find a gruesome, Baskin-Robbins-like assortment of flavors, and then take a nap in the morgue.

Granted, as a werewolf, one would be able to lead a relatively normal life with the exception of that one night, though friends in the know would undoubtedly belittle the condition to “that time of the month,” causing any respectable man-wolf to tuck his tail between his legs and retreat into the shadows.

Scott Nicholson: Grave Conditions

 

Scott Nicholson IS the Digger.

If I had a favorite monster, it would have to be myself.

Because I am considered in some quarters to be a “horror writer” (local politics aside), I have been amazed and amused that some casual acquaintances think I am creepy or violent or somehow “dark.” While I have as many personal demons as anyone else, I think the difference is in being able to either laugh them off or somehow exorcise them through whatever form best suits your temperament and talents. For me, that means putting monsters on paper where they are trapped and can be turned with the page.

My college roommate used to say, “Scott wasn’t born, he just wandered out of a comic book somewhere.” That assessment has now come full circle and I am actually a parody of myself. I am a comic book character. I play a creepy/cool undertaker called “The Digger” who narrates stories for my comic-book series “Grave Conditions.” Basically, the Digger unearths a mysterious, ancient book and shares the stories in it (which, by the way, are copyrighted to me despite their otherworldly origins) and along the way he shovels positive life lessons involving birth, death, faith, despair, arrogance, hope, love, loss and a little bit of flesh, bone and blood. Kinda like real life.

As the Digger says, “Sometimes monsters are made, not born.” If you know your monsters, they will never come back to bite you.

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Jeff Eason: Oh, to be a Warlock!

Who can resist a sexy cartoon witch? Not this warlock.

This month I had the opportunity to be a werewolf at Tweetsie’s Ghost Train and Halloween Festival. Although I had a blast scaring kids and howling at the moon, I’m not sure that werewolves would be at the top of my most favorite monster list.

Just about every traditional monster has pluses and minuses to their personality profiles. Vampires are cool because they party at night and can turn into bats when it’s time to go. But the whole blood-sucking thing is a bit of a turn-off. What if you’re in the mood for nachos? Does it always have to be blood? Do different blood types taste differently? I don’t think I want to find out.

Frankenstein’s monster looks like fun with all that strength and the stylish bolts coming out of the neck. But I think the whole thing with the villagers chasing you with pitchforks and torches would get old in a hurry.

Godzilla has got a pretty good gig, harassing hordes of Japanese citizens and fighting famous foes, such as Mothra (a giant moth, in case you didn’t know). But my knowledge of the Japanese language is slight at best, so I would never know if these other creatures, such as Megalon, were hurling insults at me or trying to be my tomodachi (Japanese for friend).

I guess when it is all said and done I’d like to be a warlock. I’d have all the power that witches have, plus I’d get to hang around with witches. Think about it. Is there a sexier Halloween costume than a hot witch? From what I can tell, the warlock-to-witch ratio is truly in favor of the warlock. Now I just have to come up with a wicked-sounding warlock name. The Dark Lord of Foscoe? The Boone Broom Rider? I’ll think of something….

Melanie Davis: A Wizard I Would Be

Really, Melanie really wants to be Hermione in the Harry Potter series.

I am not really a monster fan. I don’t watch scary movies or play video games, so making this was a tough choice. I couldn’t be a vampire because that involves killing people. I couldn’t be a werewolf because of the fleas. So, I am reverting to my Dungeons and Dragons days. (Oh yeah, I was that kid and I am not ashamed to admit it.)

If I were to be a fictional character, I would be a wizard. Capable of healing or defending, the wizard is a scholar. What appeals to me about the wizard is the connection to nature. The wizard is generally non-combative, casting spells for transportation to get out of the situation. That suits me. When it comes to fight or flee, I will take the flee. Wizards also have MacGyver skills like starting a fire without matches. That would come in handy in real life.

I suppose a wizard could be mean, if cornered. Magic has many levels and a dark side. Instead of igniting wood, I could turn it into a sword. Although, the all-too-familiar phase, “I am a lover not a fighter,” applies to me.
Technically, this isn’t a monster. I am deviating from the assignment a bit. With the election nearing, I thought saying I would be a politician could be too charged.