“Beware! Beware of the big green dragon that
sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys, puppy dog tails and
big fat snails. Beware. Take care. Beware!” B-movie legend
Ed Wood wrote that, and Bela Lugosi said it in “Glen or Glenda,”
a film considered the angora-sweater-wearing great-aunt of all
cult classics. Good advice, too; whatever it meant. But advice
comes in all forms, and while some is good, like, “Always
wear clothing at the bank,” some is not, such as, “Your
armpit hair would look cooler if it were braided.” Good or
bad, there never seems to be a shortage of advice. Your Mountain
Times staff has copious amounts of just that, and with ASU’s
Class of 2008 having flipped the collective tassel and Watauga
High’s seniors fixing to do the same, now’s as good
a time as any to share the wealth. And as Lugosi’s character
says, “Mistakes are made. But there is no mistaking the thoughts
in a man’s mind. The story is begun.”
If I were ever asked to give a speech at a college graduation,
it would probably go something like this:
Never call your girlfriend
“Dude.” There can be only one, and he’s the
man for his time and place. Fits right in. |
As I look over this sea of smiling faces, I see
enthusiasm tempered by reluctance, eagerness watered down by the
ice-cold faucet of hesitation. The world awaits you, but are you
ready for the world? Well, if you follow these simple rules, you’ll
be a little more prepared for success than the guy sitting next
to you listening to Slipknot on his iPod:
Never fry bacon in the nude. Never call your girlfriend “Dude.”
Pick your career wisely because at the end of the workday, painters
smell like paint but plumbers don’t smell like plums. If
you feel even the slightest bit unsure about something, don’t
put your signature to it; there will be other opportunities. Tip
generously, waitresses have fantastic memories. Never leave a
friend or family member with harsh words, it might be the last
time you get a chance to tell them how you really feel. Don’t
feel bad if you forget someone’s name or if they forget yours;
it happens to everyone. Keep your stories about your dreams and
nightmares to 90 seconds or less, after that you’re just
boring people with fictitious nonsense. Be kind to animals. Try
not to eat them so much. When traveling, avoid the chain restaurants
and take a chance on the independently owned places. The word
“like” is not a form of punctuation. Seeing the sunrise
when you wake up is inspiring. Seeing the sunrise because you’ve
been up all night partying is just depressing. Two wrongs don’t
make a right, but three lefts do. Don’t fall in love with
your looks; everyone is beautiful when they’re 22 years old.
Now go out there and make us proud, or go to grad school if you’re
not quite ready.
Scott Nicholson: Back to the Future
The prototypical advice usually dispensed by some overeducated,
over-the-hill curmudgeon is to “Prepare yourself to move
brightly and gracefully into the future as a humble contributor
to our common good.” My advice is “Turn back.”
The future awaits! |
If you take a humancentric view of the world, the
future is a time of global warming, starvation, war, pestilence,
and fewer and fewer caramel nougats in your Payday bar. Are you
ready to step into a laboratory and solve the biggest dilemmas
facing your species, working 90 hours a day, giving your liver
to science, all so some unappreciative lout who didn’t graduate
can watch reruns of “American Idol?” Do we all still
share this mass delusion of civility and evolution? What did they
teach you in school, anyway?
Instead of getting forehead creases of contemplation or the backache
of shouldering society’s burdens, I’d recommend you
start all over again. Kindergarten should do. Taste crayons, put
a worm down that special person’s shirt, eat those Rice Krispie
treats until you throw up on your “Richie Rich” comic
book. Then delve deeper into your past lives. Do the Charleston
and tell people they are the “bee’s knees” and
“cat’s pajamas.” Wear knickers and bonnets and
ascots. Change them for furs. Hunt buffalo. Paint cave walls.
Crawl backwards on your belly until you return to the primordial
soup. Refuse to participate in the stubborn progression of time,
tide and credit card debt. Live happily ever after. Or not at
all. The future awaits, if you dare.
.
During this time of year, everyone is full of advice
for graduating high school seniors: financial aid applications,
avoid credit cards, buy a can of pepper spray, decide your future
career, etc.
Melanie doesn’t need
a glass to enjoy milk. But she does need miniature cow figurines.
|
Instead of offering the same advice you’ve
already heard from your parents and every other adult in your
life, I would like to offer a few things to look forward to in
living on your own.
All you hear as a teen is “while you live under my roof.”
Well, get ready to live under your own roof. While paying for
that space is not the highlight, the perks are worth it.
My sisters, both older, and I recently discussed our favorite
aspects of adulthood. For me, I enjoy no longer needing a glass
for milk. Yes, mom, I drink right out of the carton at my house.
I don’t have roommates, so no one else will be drinking milk,
and I hate to wash dishes. Problem solved, drinking straight from
the carton or jug. My mother visited my apartment shortly after
graduation and caught me doing so. I may have gotten a glass at
that point, but haven’t used one since.
My sisters’ favorite things include eating the first slice
of pizza on the way home from picking it up and eating whipped
cream without the piece of pie – two small actions that were
not allowed under our parents’ rule.
Of course, there are many more things to look forward to, like
leaving the dishes in the sink after dinner, letting shoes pile
up beside the door, and independence in general. There is no better
feeling than knowing that your apartment is yours and yours alone.
Whether you let it be messy or keep it immaculate, it is your
choice. Of course, your choice means no one else to blame for
anything that goes wrong.
Bills may be difficult, but drinking straight from the milk carton
in defiance makes it all worthwhile. Now, avoid credit cards and
buy a can of pepper spray.
Caroline Monday: Dante and the Workplace
My advice is for any high school graduate
who is planning to go on to college to pursue a liberal arts degree,
as I did.
Dante Alighieri peddles his
latest book, described by critics as “a hellish read.”
|
Don’t wait until
the job search coinciding with your college graduation to learn
that, though liberal arts degrees give you a better appreciation
of art, literature and the human condition, they rarely leave
you with any marketable skills.
As I pursued my degree in English, I learned how to write papers
about Shakespeare and Proust. I know about every kind of literary
device and feel comfortable using terms like “post-modern”
and “existential.”
I learned a lot in school and I’m glad I was an English major,
but I’m also glad I had internships while I was in school.
Those internships, not my numerous papers on Dante, are the reason
I have the job I have now.
Nowadays, an undergraduate degree is just not enough. It needs
to be paired with either a more advanced degree or job experience.
Plus, internships, though they rarely pay, can be really fun.
Mine served as my first exposure to newspaper folks, a colorful
crowd. College internships and part-time jobs give you the opportunity
to pursue fields you’re really passionate about during a
time in your life when you don’t have to worry about supporting
yourself. Thanks, Mom and Dad!
Whatever you decide to do after your high school graduation, realize
that this is a formative time in your life and take advantage
of it.
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