Scanning the Headlines
for Inspiration

Many readers of this column (well, at least two of them) have stopped me on sidewalks of Boone or in the produce section of Food Lion to ask me where I get my ideas for Sweet Tea with Lemon week in and week out.

Sometimes it’s a struggle to find a subject worthy of about 800 words of exploration. Sometimes the ideas flow so readily that the only problem is one of editing them into an 800-word essay suitable for a family-oriented publication such as The Mountain Times. It just depends.

Seppo Evwaraye, seen here at the University of Nebraska, has become the poster boy for illegal immigrants flooding our borders from Finland. Photo courtesy UN Athletics

As an avid reader of newspapers, sometimes I find small stories tucked away in sections C through F that get me thinking about things in a way I didn’t a few moments before. There were a few of those stories in the paper this morning…

UNC Ends Swim Test Requirement

During my freshman orientation week at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill those many years ago, we newbies were advised to go over to the Bowman Gray Pool at Woolen Gymnasium and get our swimming test out of the way.

“Swimming test?” several freshmen were overheard to utter in astonishment, “What kind of academic institution makes swimming a requirement for graduation?” Well, the kind of institution that wants its non-drowned alumni to keep sending it money year after year.

Being a lifelong swimmer, the test was something of a joke to me. We were required to tread water for five minutes and swim 50 yards. No problem. I wanted a real challenge, like holding my breath underwater for five minutes or retrieving coins from the bottom of the deep end.

For my non-swimming college chums, however, the test was intense, and they approached it with the same dread that I felt when it was exam time in French class. Pass the swim test and you could choose any P.E. class you liked. Fail and you would most likely be coerced into taking remedial swimming during your first semester at UNC.

You didn’t have to wear inflatable water wings in remedial swimming, but it was humiliating nonetheless. But be assured, you had to pass the swimming test to receive your degree from UNC.

Many rumors and half-baked stories were offered in explanation of the swimming test. Supposedly one of the founders of UNC had a twin brother who had drowned in a backyard pond. The dead sibling haunted his brother’s dreams and convinced him to make sure every young Tar Heel knew how to swim.

Another rumor involved a Confederate regiment consisting mostly of UNC students during the War Between the States. When cutthroat Union soldiers sank their boat on the Cape Fear River, many of the UNC students from landlocked areas of the state drowned, prompting the university to install the “learn to swim” requirement.

In today’s paper there’s an Associated Press story announcing the end of the UNC swimming requirement. The 2006 class will be the last one required to take the test, and the final group of reluctant swimmers jumped into the Bowman Gray Pool last month.

For me, it’s the end of an era and a sad day for my alma mater. I think learning how to swim is an important part of a well-rounded education. Knowing how to conjugate French verbs is fine and dandy but will probably not do you much good when your boat is taking on water.

Panther Rookie Waiting For Work Permit

The other news story that caught my eye this morning was about Carolina Panthers rookie offensive lineman Seppo Evwaraye. A star at the University of Nebraska, this undrafted rookie has been watching the Panthers’ three-day minicamp from the sidelines. That’s because young Seppo is a native of Finland and the U.S. Immigration Department has yet to issue him a work permit.

I say, it’s about time that the Immigration Department got off its perse (that’s Finnish for buttocks), and did something about this terrible problem. This unchecked wave of Finnish immigrants flooding across our borders in search of jobs in the National Football League has got to be stopped! I’m just glad we have such a pro-active Immigration Department that is willing to step in and stop poor Seppo before he spreads the word among his Finnish comrades about how easy it is to come to America and get a job blocking 300-pound defensive linemen in the NFL.

So the next time you hear people complaining about the government’s lack of response to the problem of illegal immigration, be sure to tell them about Seppo Evwaraye (pronunciations may vary), and how the Immigration Department is working to make sure that the National Football League doesn’t become the National Jalka-ball League.