Earth Day is Wednesday, April 22, which means we have almost a whole week to act with reckless environmental abandon. We’re kidding, of course. In fact, some are hailing April as Earth Month, while others suggest every year be Earth Year. Not a bad idea, considering there aren’t many other planets we can feasibly, let alone affordably, inhabit. But that didn’t sway a group of protestors who one year reportedly argued that Earth Day is insensitive to our galactic neighbors. Maybe it’s because they have heavenly bodies. Without discounting Earth Day, your Mountain Times staff thinks interplanetary holidays might not be such a bad idea.
Here are some of our favorite suggestions.

Jeff Eason: Hey, Saturn, you busy Friday?

When Saturn rings, you’d better answer.

Am I the only person to realize that the Miss Universe Pageant is fixed? Every year without fail it’s some girl from Earth who walks away with the tiara and roses. Where’s the outrage? Come on, you conspiracy theorists! Don’t you think that’s a little odd? I mean, we all know that Miss Brazil and Miss Sweden are, by definition, going to be hotties in any galaxy you care to name. But for one planet in the entire universe to win the Miss Universe title every single year defies statistical probabilities.

That said, I’d like to give a shout out to Saturn. Those moons, those rings, is there any other celestial body out there like you? Certainly not in our solar system. Saturn’s rings were first detected by astronomer Galileo in 1610, but it was not until 1859 that James Clerk Maxwell conclusively proved that these rings could not possibly be solid, lest gravitational and rotational forces tear them apart.

In 1980, when I was a sophomore at UNC-Chapel Hill, I had a work-study job in the university’s Radio Television Motion Pictures (RTVMP) Dept., doing things like cleaning tape recorder heads and alphabetizing old record libraries. One of the job’s perks was that I ran a lot of errands between the RTVMP Dept. and Morehead Planetarium. One day my boss and I sat in the planetarium and watched NASA’s live video feed from Voyager I, the first manmade object to approach Saturn. You could see the individual pieces of rocks that made up the rings and the giant empty spaces between the rings. On the giant projection screen, I watched these images at the very same time that NASA scientists watched them for the first time, probably on a better screen than what they had in Houston. I’ve had a thing for Saturn ever since.

Joel Frady: Enjoy Peace on LV-426 Day

With Earth Day, we celebrate the wonderful planet we live on and our opportunities to enrich this world, so full

This alien bites. It also bleeds acid.

of life of wonder. But we never stop to think of the planet’s that aren’t as awesome, such as Venus and its terrifying gravity, Jupiter and its numerous moons or LV-246 and the terrifying creatures that live there.

It may still be hundreds of years before Lt. Ellen Ripley, Lambert, Kane, Dallas and the android Ash land on LV-426, located a mere 37 light years from Earth, and accidentally pick up the deadly xenomorph, a creature that will brutally and single-handedly kill almost the entire crew of the Nostromo.

As residents of the peaceful earth, we should take more time to think about how lucky we are to not be cursed with such horrible creatures. Sure, we have several kind-of-frightening creatures like sharks, tigers, elephants and bears, but nothing like the two-mouthed beast with acid for blood that the crew of Nostromo will encounter. And while the creatures we have may put people in immediate danger if they are in the wrong place at the wrong time, they don’t run around the earth killingly as fast as possible and planting their offspring inside of us.
So, next time you’re thinking about how scary global warming, war and bears may be, remember that it’s not that bad. You could be stuck on LV-426, or worse, survive a visit to LV-426 just to be ordered to return to the planet to face even more terrible creatures and a slew of sub-standard sequels.

Melanie Marshall: Pluto Day

Poor Pluto, once hailed as the ninth planet in the solar system, was demoted to “dwarf planet” in 2006. Great, there goes my seventh grade science project.

Pluto’s bark is worse than his biting atmosphere of nitrogen, methane and carbon monoxide.

I realize there have been other, larger masses detected further out from Pluto in the Kulper Belt – 70,000 according to one astronomer. That project certainly wouldn’t fit in the back of a station wagon.

Pluto was designated a planet in 1930. It was named for the Roman god of the underworld, due to its distance from the sun, by an 11-year-old Oxford, England student.

I would suggest a Pluto Day as a consolation prize for no longer being a planet in the solar system. It could be celebrated with mythology festivals, large feasts and discounted rates at Walt Disney World. Why not? After all, Disney’s Pluto the dog was named after the planet. The cartoon also made its debut in 1930.

A full day dedicated to eating, cartoons and amusement parks. Sounds like it should be scheduled for spring break.

Scott Nicholson: The Real Venus

I’m signing up for Venus, the mysterious and poisonous planet named for the love goddess.

The real Venus – it’s not a woman, according to science.

The planet’s surface has volcanic features, smooth plains and rocky valleys, just like women. Scientists report no oceans, though there are impact craters. While the surface is fairly typical, its atmosphere is rich and mysterious, just like the atmosphere of women, for whom Venus has come to symbolize. Though the evidence is scant, there are bound to be blue-green mermaids swimming in sulfuric splendor, engaging in swimsuit competitions, and generally representing the wonders of love, tolerance and compassion for which women are so admired.

Venus is the second-closest to the sun and has a year that’s 224.7 Earth days long, which is why women apparently age faster than men (yet tend to outlive them). Most of its atmosphere is carbon dioxide, which is why women like fizzy drinks. It’s a hot, hot planet, even in swimsuits, as the average temperature is 860 degrees, which is why women like fizzy drinks so much. The planet’s orbit is very stable and concentric, just like women, but it also has the slowest rotation period of all the major planets. Women, just like Venus, are very slow to rotate, and the planet has no natural satellite, though women are often orbited by nerdy guys who pick their noses and watch Seth Rogen movies.

Venus, just like women, has played a prominent role in human history, being called “Ishtar” in Babylonian culture and spawning a terrible movie by the same name that could only have been worse if it had starred Seth Rogen. Since Venus is both the morning star and the evening star, depending upon the season, it has been called Lucifer and Hesperos, neither of which have inspired many movies, at least good ones starring women in swimsuits. The astronomical symbol for Venus is the same symbol used in biology to represent the female gender, or “sex,” but “sex” cannot be used in a family newspaper and has no role in human history.
Unlike Venus.