On Tuesday, President Barack Obama signed into law the $787 billion American Recovery and Reinvestment Act. Proponents hail the stimulus package for its promises of tax cuts for working families and jobs for the unemployed, while opponents decry the measure, saying it will add to the government’s already mounting debt. They call the spending frivolous, which got your Mountain Times staff to thinking. If a surplus of funding were available for frivolous spending and frivolous spending only, what would we ideally like to see?

Frank Ruggiero: Dawn of the Atomic Super Beetle

If the government-funded atomic super beetle project goes awry, Gamera the Flying Turtle will be our only hope for salvation.

Recently, scientists managed to attach an electric receptor chip of sorts to a flying beetle. By sending electronic impulses, they can direct the beetle when to start flying, which way to go, and when to stop. Its practical use? Who knows, but despite the implications of man recklessly meddling with the forces of nature, it’s almost refreshing to see a throwback to good old-fashioned mad science. Were the stimulus package to include funding for similar research, our nation would be prepared for any science fiction-inspired danger. As seen in countless old sci-fi movies, it’s always the misunderstood scientist’s overlooked plan that saves the day. Perhaps an army of atomic super beetles will one day save us from a horde of reanimated moon zombies from Mars.

Such leaps and bounds in mad science are ideal for the 21st century, an era often portrayed in cinema of yesteryear as being rife with flying cars. We’re now nearly a decade into this century, and the closest thing we’ve got is a remote-controlled flying beetle, and unfortunately not from Volkswagen. Federal investment in flying car technology would ensure millions of jobs for creating an all-new type of highway (or flyway) infrastructure, while promising a total revamp of the Department of Motor Vehicles and, perhaps, an updated selection of reading material in its waiting rooms. Of course, this would also require investment in training and education, so we don’t have folks text messaging and applying makeup while running a floating red light at 30,000 feet.

But were it not for Hollywood, many of these concepts would not even see mention. Unfortunately, there have been few fresh ideas from even our most respected studios, but rather an endless stream of remakes, reboots and “re-imaginings.” Since it’s a safe and sure buck these movie executives are likely after, perhaps some federal funding to broaden their minds would broaden their studio’s output, allowing the production of films more diverse and thought provoking than just another Friday the 13th rehash.

Scott Nicholson: Eat now, pay later. Or not at all.

Now that the federal government has indebted us to the tune of $36,000 for every American, a time for denial, willful oblivion and frivolity should ensue for at least two years.

Candy! It’s what’s for dinner!

Be not angry if you are a responsible adult who has paid off your credit card and managed your debt and invested conservatively. Suppress your rage if you are a child of the Validation Generation who will almost certainly not pay off the sins of the fathers, but instead foist them onto the third generation. Practice acceptance if you are an elderly survivor of the Great Depression and patiently and frugally accrued a life savings only to watch pirate bankers yacht gleefully into the sunset with your pensions.

No, instead, learn the lessons that resonate throughout this economic crisis. Be foolish and happy. Be selfish. Be shortsighted. Buy candy. Buy candy for the toothless who have lost their dental coverage. Feed sweets to infants so they learn our cultural values. Cram your head full of sweet lies and nonsense and easy stimulation. Personally, I prefer chocolate-covered cherries. At least there’s a cherry in the middle instead of air.

Taste the joy of freedom. We’re living on borrowed time anyway. A teaspoon of sugar is a sound investment, and it’s good for the economy. A rush of pleasure and it melts away, except for diabetes, but we have expensive obesity prevention programs from the government to take care of that, because it’s more stimulating than doing it ourselves and tastes too much like oatmeal instead of sugar-frosted cereal.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Except death. And the bank stealing your house. And the government taking your paycheck. And your neighbor robbing your piggy bank. And the candy store closing.

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Jeff Eason: Dirt under fingernails. It’s a good thing.

In the economically stimulated world of the future, idyllic gardens would be found on many rooftops, lending a whole new meaning to “green building.”

One thing is for sure, now that the House and Senate have passed the Stimulus Recovery Bill, there are going to be plenty of businesses and government projects with a mouth full of “much obliged” and a head full of “gimme.” I just hope it’s not the usual suspects—banks, auto manufacturers, insurance and drug companies—who get the lion’s share of our tax money.

If I had to pick a frivolous way of spending this near trillion dollars worth of our grandkids’ debt, I would use it to haul dirt to the top of every big building in the United States and turn them into public gardens. Just imagine if every Walmart in the country featured a giant community garden on top of the building! Folks would be encouraged to buy hoes and seeds downstairs, so there is something in it for Walmart, as well. This way, we can re-learn the agricultural skills that we have lost in the past few generations and start eating healthier. I’m sure if we cannot come up with a way to kick-start the world’s economy and raise enough tax money to pay for the stimulus package, but these gardening skills might come in handy in the near future. See you in the garden!

Jason Reagan: Boondoggles for Boone

Obviously, the stimulus package should be used to resolve serious infrastructure problems while creating jobs — that’s what we were promised.

The future of Boone involves monorails and futuristic DeSotos with metallic bubble things on them.

However, since outrageous pork spending always emerges from these plans despite the best-laid plans, we may as well have some fun with it and think up some outrageous boondoggles for Boone.

Here’s my top 10:

10. Dome up Kidd Brewer Stadium and name it the Behr Cave in honor of Watauga Democrat sports editor Steve Behr.

9. Hire a sculptor to go ahead and carve out a profile face for Grandfather Mountain — that way we can stop all the arguments about whether the top of the face is at the bottom or top of the mountain. I suggest we use character actor Wilford Brimley as a model.

8. Pay the organizers of Bonnaroo to move it from Manchester, Tenn., to Boone and rename it Boonearoo. Why not?

7. Carve out the innards of Howard’s Knob to create a mammoth, subterranean parking garage so everyone will quit whining about downtown parking. Of course, we also have to have a monorail from the garage to downtown so no one has to — shudder — walk.

6. While we’re at it, let’s go ahead and build another monorail — they’re cool.

5. Subsidies for journalistic conceptions — kind of like paying a farmer not to grow something except we pay all journalists for the story ideas they never actually wrote.

4. Form the Boone Area Poet Squad (BAPS) to help serve the citizenry by providing anyone who needs a poem or lyrical thought at a moment’s notice. Great for weddings, special dates and even court pleadings.

3. AppalCART Airlines — coast-to-coast service on biodiesel. Think about it.

2. Run the world’s largest water slide down the side of Snake Mountain. Nothing says natural beauty and serenity like 40 miles of bright blue tubing filled with sun-burned kiddies.

1. Extend the Greenway Trail underground until it reaches China. Talk about a cure for obesity.