Despite inevitable references to the 1993 film Groundhog Day, the holiday has come and gone. Will we see another six weeks of winter? Time will tell, though the concept of entrusting the world’s climatological fate to the claws of an admittedly cute but sizable rodent is simply captivating. This, like many other situations involving soothsaying rodentia, got your Mountain Times staff to thinking: Why aren’t there more animal-themed holidays? In response, we’ve come up with a few ideas fit for self-published calendar.

Jeff Eason: Celebrate Black Dog Day

On Monday evening, every single meteorologist in the country spent precious airtime talking about

Luna and Gigi sit on the bed and watch the squirrels go by.

Punxsutawney Phil, the Pennsylvania groundhog responsible for predicting the weather for the next month and a half. Phil saw his shadow, so according to legend that means we’ll have six more weeks of winter. The whole thing is so incredibly stupid. First off, if you live in western Pennsylvania, you’re always going to have at least six more weeks of winter from the beginning of February. Secondly, don’t you have to study some kind of science to become a meteorologist? Why flush your credibility down a groundhog hole once a year? I would compare it to NBC anchor Brian Williams giving a straight-faced account on the imminent arrival of the Easter Bunny.

If there is one animal that deserves a special day out of the year, it would have to be the black dog. I know that they’ve been the subject of great songs by Led Zeppelin and Nick Drake, but for the most part these dark-hued canines rarely get their due. According to researchers, there is such a thing as “black-dog syndrome,” meaning the propensity of dark-colored dogs to be passed over for adoption in favor of lighter ones. Adoption officials say this is for a variety of reasons, one of which is that black dogs often do not photograph well. In adoption ads, they often look like dark blobs with sharp teeth with little white crescent moons around their black eyes. Black dogs also have a tendency to disappear into the shadows of kennels and Humane Society cages during visiting hours. There also is a preposterous myth out there that black dogs are meaner and more likely to take a bite out of a child. Dogwash!

My wife, Leslie, and I have two black dogs, both of them some sort of Lab mix. Luna came from a shelter in California, and Gigi was on her way to a shelter when she decided to adopt us. They can be picky eaters and have a horrible tendency to bark at imaginary burglars in the middle of the night, but I’m constantly amazed at how they improve our lives. So if you’re looking to adopt an animal, or looking for a new holiday to celebrate, don’t forget about the black dog!

Scott Nicholson: Goat Day

A goat leafs through today’s menu.

I vote for Goat Day, in which the animal in question lifts its head out of the hay and determines the seasons thusly:

It marks the end of winter by eating your long underwear off the clothesline.

It marks the end of spring by eating the tomato plants and cabbage from your neighbor’s garden.

It marks the end of summer by knocking a troll off a bridge and eating the troll’s begonias.

It marks the end of autumn by climbing on your car and doing a harvest festival dance on the roof, then eating the rubber strips from your windshield wipers.

Goat Day. There’s eating involved.

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Frank Ruggiero: Sloth Day

No, not THAT Sloth.

Any animal that shares its name with one of the Seven Deadly Sins is deserving of something. So, why not a holiday? The omnivorous sloth lives in Central and South America, typically browsing through an assortment of leaves in the lofty canopies of the Amazon jungle. They typically spend the majority of their lives hanging or sitting in trees, with their low metabolic rate accounting for their low-energy diet, resulting in a weekly commute to the forest floor to relieve themselves.

In accordance with this behavior, Sloth Day would be the ideal day off – none of the pretense involved with honoring a historical figure or event when all one really wants to do is sleep in, lie around watching movies, order out and occasionally commute to the tiled floor to relieve themselves. Sloth Day could be scheduled after any typically raucous holiday or quasi-holiday that falls on a weeknight, such as Super Bowl Sunday. It would be observed by all spheres of unemployment, except for certain aspects of the service industry, namely food takeout and beer vendors, employees of which would be able to observe Floating Sloth Day, meaning they could observe the holiday on absolutely any other day of their choosing. These employees could also benefit from added gratuities on Sloth Day proper.

Now, some of the more religious circles might argue against such a day. The sin of sloth, also called acedia, is more akin to spiritual apathy, rather than physical sluggishness. In other words, one can stretch out in the recliner watching M*A*S*H reruns, while still caring for a free Tibet. A Sloth Day observer could even use a WiFi-enabled laptop to donate to a charitable cause, like preserving rainforest so a certain holiday’s namesake can continue to slowly, but surely, thrive.
Oh, and you have to eat at least one leaf.

Jason Reagan: An Ark of Animal-Themed Holidays

As usual, I’m having trouble making up my mind about a specific animal-based holiday. So, here are some possible candidates.

Folks are sure to go bananas for All Monkey’s Eve.

Bear Day: To help make our plummeting financial markets more — ahem — bearable, we can toss any miscreants who misuse government bailout funds into a pit filled with ill-fed, ill-tempered bears. Anyone who can escape will be rewarded with a $42 million corporate jet. Non-survivors will be considered “downsized.” If the bears get indigestion, the recession will last for one more year. If they appear well-fed and content, we can probably send our kids to college.

Monkey Day: No real idea here — but who doesn’t love a monkey? Give them a day and a banana.

Weasel Day: Congressional elections have become both costly and overly nasty. Let’s place candidates from each district in a cage with a weasel (the metaphor, I hope, is clear). Whomever the weasel cuddles up with is obviously a natural for swimming in political waters and will thus be elected. Saves time, saves money and makes the weasel happy to have made a friend.

Slug with Extra Slime Glands Day: Celebrating the intellectual depth and beauty that is reality television.

Muskrat with Tail Mange Day: Explaining how we all feel about any further news concerning Britney Spears.

Flat Possum Day: Ode to the joy of fine asphalt-laced cuisine — do I smell a restaurant promotional tie-in?

All Monkey’s Eve: C’mon, monkeys are so great, they need a day-before holiday, as well.