On Jan. 20, the United States will bid welcome its 44th president. It’s a big job, and one that comes with big shoes to fill – not necessarily shoes belonging to the presidential predecessor, but office shoes. Oval Office shoes. White House slippers, if you will. When trying on a pair of shoes, it’s sometimes reassuring to have a stalwart salesman at your side, offering insight for the sole and a shoehorn at the ready to make the transition seamless as possible. In that respect, your Mountain Times staff would like to be President-elect Barack Obama’s shoe salesman, offering a few words of advice to make this pair last four years, maybe even eight if they fit right.

Scott Nicholson: Federal Bailout for Journalists

Dear Mr. Obama,

No bailout could buy out the dynamic duo of women’s advice columnist Dr. Mann.

First, my condolences on your untimely victory. I am not a politician but I have been paying taxes for many years and I trust you to spend my money wisely. After practicing your shoe-dodging maneuvers and trying on your “Mission Accomplished” flight suit, you should immediately turn your attention to timely matters of national security.

Namely, a federal bailout for journalists.

Look, we’ve tried. We get accused of delivering bad news because everyone believes bad news sells, then the public blames us (and the politicians) because there is so much of it!

The truth is, everybody’s numb, and we deliver nothing but the truth. We hold up the mirror and maybe people don’t like what they see. We don’t judge “good” or “bad,” we tell the stories of our community and our neighbors and the crazy species called “homo sapiens.”

And people would like us to stop.

So, please earmark about $300 billion to buy off every journalist in the country. All reporters would rather be working on a book that tells only one side of the story, or handling public relations for companies that make “reduction in force” sound like a gentle, beneficial sacrifice for world peace and prosperity. Oh, yeah, and it’s “green!”

Knowing how cheaply journalists work, I’m sure a few grand apiece would shut up all those future critics and fulfill all politicians’ desire for truth-seekers to, as one former county commissioner once said to a Watauga Democrat reporter, “Leave us alone so we can get some stuff done.”

This offer is available for a limited time only. If the check is not in the mail before this goes out of print, I promise I’m going to keep typing.

Regards,
Scott Nicholson

Melanie Davis: Watch Out for Booby Traps

Just as I would never want to be a celebrity, I would also not ever desire to be president.

For the president, there is no privacy, and you get blamed every time anything goes wrong. To think, Obama campaigned for this job.

My advice for Obama is to close the curtains on all the upstairs windows of the White House. Keep the kids dressed well, or he’ll have YM Magazine on his tail, and perhaps have plastic surgery to ensure he is always smiling. I admit that could backfire if a national disaster were to happen. In that case, he would need to master the blank stare Americans are used to.

I would add to make sure his new puppy is potty-trained. After all, the White House is a historical building.

Finally, I would be very careful on the first day in the Oval Office. I read an article in The Onion that indicated George Bush may have booby-trapped the desk. If Cheney helped, that could involve a shotgun somewhere.

On a more serious note, I hope that Obama addresses the issue of health care. Even with insurance, it is outrageous to address the most simple of conditions. Currently, I have to be feeling on death’s doorstep to go to the doctor. Prescription medications are out of control. My father was recently prescribed an antibiotic that MediCare wouldn’t cover because it was new, and it cost $900 per dose. Needless to say, an alternative was sought out. I would recommend a serious overhaul of the Food and Drug Administration.

Now, if only Obama read The Mountain Times. With any luck, he’ll read The Onion before it’s too late.

.

Jason Reagan: Yes, Man

Hopefully, Jason will limit his emulation of Jim Carrey in Yes Man to that “only saying ‘yes’” part.

Last month, I reviewed Jim Carrey’s latest opus, Yes Man, in which Carrey plays a (surprise!) down-on-his-luck malcontent who turns his life (and rubbery face) around by saying “yes” to whatever life throws at him.

Although the movie lacked enough depth to be called life-changing, the plot premise does give us a mild challenge: How can we say “yes” to life?

So, my random MountainTop for this week will simply be the result of my personal exercise of a “Yes Man” challenge. Some of what I have written is unrealistic; some may never be accomplished and some, just silly.

But, whenever one takes his brain for a walk down fanciful streets, the wrinkly creature is bound to get wet, sniff another brain’s butt or pee on the neighbor’s flowers.

It’s a risk. My hope is that some readers will write out (and send in) their own affirmatives and say “yes” to lending a voice.

My “Yes” List
Say “yes” to new avenues of expression — poetry, drawing, singing, even pottery. Say “yes” to spontaneity and yet say “yes” to plans and goals. Say “yes” to writing a silly short story — The Hitchhiker’s Guide kind of silly. Say “yes” to waking up in other hemispheres and latitudes. Say “yes” to meeting and alleviating suffering anywhere you see it. Say “yes” to rabbits and squirrels (I’m not sure what this one means, but my brain does on some level). Say “yes” to being happy now rather than waiting for “The Next Big Thing in My Life.” Say “yes” to listening to liberals and conservatives without comment before making up my own mind.

Say “yes” to fits of laughter without provocation or punch line. Say “yes” to always petting a cat or dog — yeah, you may be bitten. Say “yes” to new means of perceiving reality. Say “yes” to unapologetically crying for no reason or for a good reason. Say “yes” to skydiving, fencing, rock-climbing, snowboarding and occasional fractures and contusions. Say “yes” to dancing — no matter how stupid I look.

Say “yes” to simplicity in all things. Say “yes” to feeding birds often. Say “yes” to a second language. Say “yes” to the TV’s off switch. Say “yes” to Ferris wheels, zoos and laser tag/paint ball. Say “yes” to minor highways, small towns, local characters and ancient diners. Say “yes” to respectable displays of immaturity in proper doses. Say “yes” to dying well — yes, that’s morbid but inevitable. It’s the final thing we have to say “yes” to — sorry, Dylan Thomas.

Say “yes” to the people around you and far away. Most of their lives are constant “no’s” and “can’ts.”

Say “yes….”

(We apologize for cutting the story short last week, now it is complete for viewing!!)


Jeff Eason: Time to Roll Up Your Sleeves

 

In 1841, William Henry Harrison caught pneumonia during his inauguration in Washington and died a month later. I advise Obama to wear a sweater if it is cold on January 20.

As president-elect Barack Obama prepares to take the oath of office, he will be under tremendous pressure to fix the current economic mess that this country faces. I would advise him to get the best economic minds he can find to work on the problem to make sure that the bailout help is focused on Main Street rather than Wall Street. He, himself, should be more concerned with America’s international relations with other countries. We need to re-establish our previously strong ties to our European allies, as they will probably be needed in the foreseeable future. He needs to strengthen our ties to Mexico and our South American neighbors, as those countries have the greatest supplies of young labor in the western hemisphere. Due to our country’s economic debt to China, Obama is going to be under extreme pressure to let that country do anything it pleases. He should warn China that working conditions in that country are going to have to improve if it is to avoid trade sanctions with its largest consumer: No more underage workers, no more tainted products, no more toxic working conditions.

I would also advise Obama to start work immediately on improving our country’s electrical grid so that we can better utilize solar power and wind power. There is no reason why the roof of nearly every building in America cannot be outfitted with solar panels. If we lead the world in creating alternate energy technologies, the world will beat a path to our door to buy them. Finally, I would advise Obama to be his own man and not try to please everybody all the time. There are going to be some tough choices to make in the next four years, and if he tries to please everybody, nothing is going to get done.